Let me preface this by saying that I don’t mean this in any conceited or righteous way whatsoever.  BUT, I’ve always felt like a pretty competent person.  I’m generally productive and on top of things, and most skills come easily to me.  So, I thought becoming a mom would be no different.

Wrong-O!

Despite my visions of seamlessly transitioning into warm and fuzzy motherhood-land, I stumbled and fumbled through much of Ali’s newborn days in a fog.  It turns out that I am no longer a college co-ed, capable of pulling all-nighters and functioning long-term on a few hours of sleep a night.  Apparently, there’s this thing called “getting old”…  Haha!

For every day that I posted a cute picture on facebook, there were at least 5 days of feeling like a zombie mom, struggling to keep my little boo clean and fed and dressed appropriately.  It felt more like a Hezbollah training camp than motherhood.  This was the most important job of my life, and I felt like I was failing!  I just wasn’t getting the swing of it – and it wasn’t coming naturally to me AT ALL!  Then on top of that, we decided to move to a smaller suburb of Nashville when she was about a month old.  I won’t even go into that, except to say that I have an AMAZING family, who drove eight hours from NC to make it happen!

A couple months later, I was getting a little more sleep, becoming a little more coherent, but still not feeling any more competent as a mother.  In the early days, I could give myself a break by saying “this is new to you” and “having a newborn is tough”, but as time went on I really started to feel like I was lacking some crucial gene.

Let me break here and say that this baring of the soul is tough for me.  I HATE feeling weak or inadequate.  In the past, I probably would never have even dreamed of admitting these things to myself, much less putting them into writing for public consumption.  But that is one of the ways that being a mom has changed me.    It has humbled me.    It has made me realize that I’m not perfect, and never can be.  It has made me go back and search for my authentic self, a person that is human.  I don’t wanna ‘fake it til I make it’ anymore…  I want to be someone that can be honest about successes and setbacks instead of striving to keep up a facade of perfection.

Honesty.  Whew, its tough!

See the whirling dervish as she tears through the house – leaving toys, umbrellas, and houseplants in her wake…

These days, I’m starting to get it together.  I’m realizing that my child is happy and she is already becoming her own person, in spite of any of my perceived shortcomings.  Its time to stop comparing and judging, and just learn to be content with where we are.  Our little family will learn and grow together, and let all the trivial stuff fall to the wayside.

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